neurodivergent

Screen Time Escapism

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Escapism

“Habitual diversion of the mind to purely imaginative activity or entertainment as an escape from reality or routine.”

Merriam-Webster Dictionary

I can often identify if my neurodivergent self is stressed out by the sheer amount of screen time I’m consuming.

I’m a late diagnosed autistic. I’m still learning how to identify what I’m feeling and notice said feelings before they hit a 7. It’s hard to regulate your stress if you aren’t totally aware of it in the first place. Recently I’ve started to notice the pattern; stress leads to more screen time; excess screen time leads to more stress.

This blog post is about my personal experiences and is not professional medical or mental health advice.

As a child, my escapism was my imagination; daydreaming up stories and acting them out. Later it was devouring books instead of doing schoolwork (algebra could wait, I needed to know how Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban ended). When I acquired my own laptop and near unlimited screen time as a late teen, I binge watched YouTube until 3 am. Now I binge and rewatch my comfort shows, sometimes all day. While I don’t think there anything wrong with finding comfort from these things, it has become a bit of a problem.

Mainly the frequency is interfering with day-to-day life. It’s hard to do things (like writing this blog post) while my brain is craving the next episode of a show. To watch it right now would feel so good; but I’ve already watched an entire season today.

It’s also a short term escape from stress and just delays what what needs to be delt with. The moment I turn off my tablet the feeling of numbing bliss turns to wanting more, all while being stared at by a growing to-do list. Plus, it doesn’t just put off doing important things to the last minute, it sucks up time better spent on my interests.

If binge watching was a full-time job, I would be set for life.

But why do I need escapism at all? From sensory sensitivities, forcing eye contact, to fears of contamination and random death, life has been inherently uncomfortable and confusing for me. But now that I’m aware of it, I have a chance to change and adapt to my needs instead of cramming myself into box.

I would love to know what your early signs of stress are and what (hopefully healthier) strategies for relief you use.

“The Look”: When I Failed to Mask My Autistic Traits (Pre-Diagnosis)

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There’s this thing I call “The Look”.

It’s a certain way people have looked at me since I was a child; and still sometimes do. It usually happens when I’m in a social interaction and I “mess up”.

By mess up, I mean I do/don’t do something neurotypicals aren’t/are expecting. Basically, my Autism is showing.

It’s the look I get when someone is done socialising with me and is waiting for me to break it off, but I don’t know how. Or when someone expects me to return small talk, but I can’t figure out what to say.

They’re often smiling, but the smile feels false, forced, and uncomfortable. Occasionally they are visibly taken aback. And their eyes, they are not smiling. Sometimes its brief, they adjust and quickly conceal it.

Very rarely this look has the quality of a predator, that has just identified new prey. It’s like they’ve detected a disturbance in the atmosphere; they’ve discovered an imposter. Aka an Autistic gal masking, just trying to fit in and feel comfortable.

I get it a lot less when I’m unmasked, because I’m not hiding anything. Instead of being anxious from slipping up, and somehow violating the secret social laws of the neurotypicals, I’m just me. And if I’m with the right people, unmasking and being my delightful self is very rewarding.

It’s how I’ve found true friends.

The Clickening: My Teeth Clicking OCD Compulsion

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I have OCD and in my experience it can show up as the weirdest things. I’m also Autistic and likely ADHD, so it can be hard to tease apart and categorize my behaviours. Not that everything needs to (or should) be pathologised and categorised; it just helps me find the words to express myself.

For a while I thought it might be a stim. For me, stimming is soothing. I feel my emotions very physically, and stimming helps me move them out of my body (if that makes sense). But stimming feels good and this teeth clicking doesn’t.

When I tried finding information on this compulsion, there wasn’t really much. Once I found out I likely had OCD, I tried asking about it in a forum. And yes! Other people have this compulsion too. Like me, they also didn’t know of anyone else with it.

I am not a doctor, therapist, or mental health professional. Everything in this post is based on my own personal experiences and opinions. It is not medical advice. If you think you’re struggling with OCD or any mental health issue, please speak to a qualified professional.

For at least a decade, I’ve had this overwhelming urge to click and grind my teeth. If I try not too, I end up biting my cheek, tongue or clenching my jaw. I feel very uncomfortable in my chest, around my collar bone, and in my arms (as said before, I feel emotions physically, and also have a difficult time identifying them). If I had to choose I’d say it makes me anxious and stressed.

For me, this is combined with a specific counting ritual. I am very aware of any squares and rectangles within my space. As a teen, my room had a wall which divided into a group of 6 squares. I followed this pattern:

  1. I start from the largest square and I click each corner, starting bottom right, to top right, bottom right to left. (e.g. the entire wall)
  2. I repeat the pattern going down 1 size of square. (e.g. the wall minus the base board, then minus the window frame)
  3. I repeat this until I reach the smallest one, count that one twice, then work the pattern from smallest to biggest.
  4. I repeat the whole process until it feels “right”.

The problem is the relief is temporary. If I mess up the pattern, I have to start all over again. Overtime the urge builds up again and it feels deeply unsettling not to do it.

There is a wall in my bedroom that currently has a set of 12. 12 x 4 is 48. Do that a minimum of 3 times (usually more) and that’s 144 clicks. Now think about the number of rectangles in your computer, tablet and phone screen.

Also road signs! I feel the urge to click every road sign I see (which sure makes road trips interesting!). I also click the tiles of my bathroom floor in rows of 7. At the end of the day I’ve clicked and gritted my teeth hundreds, if not thousands, of times. Sometimes I’m not really aware that I’m doing it until someone asks “What’s that clicking sound?”.

This wasn’t too problematic at first, but it got to the point of having tooth and jaw pain. I tried stopping on my own and I ended up biting my tongue, cheeks, and clenching my jaw all the time.

The good news is it has gotten much better. With medication and therapy, the urges have faded a lot. They’re still there, but the feeling is mostly tolerable. I still click my teeth, but not nearly as much.